Just For You
by ILoveBTR4eva
Summary: "Till I Forget About You" Katie never thought James would do something like that. She never thought she would be faced with death. What happened to the innocent teens at the Palm Woods? Character death, attempted suicide, self harm. Multi-chapter.
1. Chapter 1: Secrets

**A/N : So currently my other story is on the hiatus, as I have that damn writers block GRR! So this is going to be a multi chapter, and I really hope you like it, because I know how the whole story is going to go already.**

**It's going to be rated M for language, self harm, attempted suicide, and character death. So hopefully by the end of the story you don't murder me! I'M TO YOUNG TO DIEEEE! Lol, anyway, enough with my rant. ON TO THE STORY! Da, da, daa!**

**DISCLAIMER: I wish I fucking owned Big Time Rush, but sadly I don't.**

**XxX**

**Chapter 1: Secrets**

**KATIE POV**

I walked out of my room and headed towards the kitchen to fix myself some breakfast, when I bumped into Carlos.

"Hey Carlitos!" 

"Hey short stuff!" 

"Dude, I'm four inches taller than you…" It was true. At five foot nine inches I towered over him. I guess I get that from Kendall. Although, everyone is taller than Carlos.

"But I'm older than you. So ha!" 

"Yeah, by two years. And shouldn't you be at least as tall as me at eighteen?"

"Shut up Katie!" He gave me a gentle shove and resumed to eating his Lucky Charms.

I stared at the bowl, desperate for conversation. The guys have been so busy lately rehearsing for their upcoming tour, I rarely get to see them…especially James.

"So Carlos, is the Lucky Patrol coming back?" I asked as he slurped on the so called 'lucky' air dried, hydrogenated oil filled, clumps of sugar. Sometimes I wonder if he really is eighteen.

"Lucky Patrol?… No, I just like Lucky Charms! They're so …good." He said in between bites. 

"Oh… it just seems like you guys don't do anything fun together anymore. I miss the rowdy guys." I gave a half hearted smile and decided to give up on making myself breakfast, to just having the conversation I really wanted to have with Carlos.

"We do fun stuff… But Gustavo is just giving us a lot of work. And you know how he can get. Actually we were supposed to go back to Malibu this weekend. You can come if you want. I'm sure the guys will like that. I mean… wait… damn… Katie your right! I haven't rode Swirly in three weeks! Why are you so smart? I mean, your no Logan but… Hey are you okay?"

He caught me drifting my glance to the room that Carlos and James shared. I really could care less about Carlos' rant right now. 

"Yeah I'm fine… Um, hey, have you seen James? I haven't seen him in a while." I'm guessing he saw the curious look on my face, but still hesitated to answer. 

I never cared that much about James. He was just like a roommate as we got older. But I really wanted to talk to him.

"I saw him come into our room last night. I'm pretty sure he's still in there. Why don't you go check. The other guys should be getting up now anyways." He got up from his seat at the counter and made his way over to the sink.

"Alright thanks!" 

I wanted to dash out of the room so bad, but that would make things a little… awkward. So instead I walked casually to the door. 

Barging in would be rude, but I needed to see him. Every night I've been having dreams about him. And I just don't know why. 

I thought about it for a few more moments and rapped my knuckles on the door.

No answer.

I put my hand on the doorknob and saw that it wasn't locked… Well that was a good thing. Turning the knob slowly I cracked the door open only slightly to be bombarded by a waft of smoke. 

Carlos had left to shower at this point, so I decided to just keep walking. 

I was scared. I thought maybe there was a fire… But I saw no flames. 

As I continued to walk in my eyes began to tear. The smoke was pungent, and smelled like gas. It was the worst thing I've ever smelled…besides Carlos when he leaves the bathroom… 

But this was worse, much worse. I walked in more till I reached the center of their room. Tears fell freely from my eyes now. Not from the gas, but from the sight before me. 

_When did this happen? How long has this been going on? Does Carlos know about it? Does Kendall or Logan know? Does anyone know?_

I rushed over to where James was sitting, cramped up in the corner. Tears were flowing from his eyes, staining his cheeks as they dried. But in his hands was nothing that I would have expected. Where did he even get that thing from.

"…Katie?" He said in a raspy voice.

"James! What the hell are you doing! Give me that!" 

"Katie, please, go away. Leave me alone. I'm fine." More tears fell past my eyes as well. He looked so beaten, so vulnerable. 

"James, I'm not leaving. I'm trying to stay calm, okay? And you need to calm down to. What your doing is wrong! Now will you please hand me that?" I pleaded for him to stop. I couldn't let him do this to himself.

"Go away! I said I… was … fine!" He choked on his sobs, which made the scene only that much more heart breaking. 

"You sure as hell are not fine, James! Why? Why would you do this! You know how bad this is for you? Where did you even get it? Does Carlos know? Does anyone know?" I stopped to let the tears roll down my cheeks. He looked overwhelmed, but I didn't care. I needed to know what was going on.

"…James. Please. Give me the tube… Ahh!" He shoved me back onto the floor. I fell, banging my head on the few objects strew across the floor. 

_What is wrong with James?_

**A/N: And there is chapter 1. I hope you liked it! And yes I know its short, I promise the next few will be longer. And I'm probably going to be posting the other next few ones today, since I have the main plot down! OKAII? And reviews would be nice… xD**


	2. Chapter 2: I Love You

**A/N: YAY! New chapter! I promise this one will be longer… I hope. Prepare yourself for some angst and drama in this one! Haha. Okay on with the story.**

**DISCLAIMER: I'm lazy read the previous one :p**

**XxX**

**Chapter 2: I Love You**

**JAMES POV.**

Why wouldn't she leave me alone? I told her that I was fucking fine. She needs to leave me be before I hurt her.

I can't hurt her though. I love her. But no! She's too young for me! Or Kendall is always in the way! He would kill me if I even placed a finger on her in that way…

"James… I need to know." She finally whispered.

"Know what! That I'm sitting in the corner of my room, smoking weed, to keep life's troubles away! You don't understand, Katie… And you never will."

She looked at me with forgiving eyes. What did she have to be sorry about? I'm the one that messed up. I'm the one that _is_ messed up.

"Look, tell me what I can do to help you. Please, James. Your scaring me." Katie sounded so regretful, so helpless. "Does…Who else knows?"

"Nobody. Please don't say anything Katie, please." I sounded so stupid! Like a whiny little bitch.

"Okay, I won't. But, how much have you had today?"

"Just, a li… not much… before you walked in, ha! I started like, sixty four, heh, eighty day minutes…"

"Your not making any sense! Are you sure you just had a little?" She sounded so terrified.

Everything began to blur. I knew I didn't have that much. I lit it when Carlos left our room this morning.

"James…?"

I turned my head and looked away from Katie at the alarm clock. The bright red numbers shone in through my eyes like a laser. I quickly blinked the feeling away and read the numbers.

It took me a while to process it but Carlos has been gone for three hours.

"James!" Katie shouted, snapping me out of my realization.

"What?" I knew it was an idiotic question, but I had no idea why she was screaming my name.

"James, how long has this been going on?" Her voice was beginning to calm down, yet she still sounded distant, when she was only inches from my face.

I couldn't speak. My throat felt clenched up, and my vision began to sway. Instead I held up three fingers.

She stared at my hand, and how I struggled to keep it steady. I saw tears start to form in her eyes as I looked in them.

She must have known I meant three hours and not three minutes. We've been together for ten minutes. Yet she couldn't even respond to the situation right now.

She had to know. But why won't the words come out? What would she think? What would anyone think?

I just want to feel secure. Feel safe. Why is one girl driving me to the edge?

My muscles felt like jell-o, and my body went numb.

**KATIE POV.**

Three hours? How could anyone not notice? Didn't Carlos suspect anything? What about my mom? How could nobody know?

I felt for him. His usually beautiful face was fixed in discomfort and pain. The look in his eyes showed me that something was troubling him. Why wouldn't he just tell me.

James continued to cry, holding the tube of weed, trying to resist the urge to smoke it. I wanted to help him so bad. I felt useless just watching my 'brother' do this to himself. I had to be strong. I had to do something.

I was about to stand up to get someone. Carlos, Logan, Kendall, anyone. But as I moved James' face relaxed, and he dropped the tube. He looked at me with such tearful, pleading eyes, I knew he wanted me to stay. I frantically rushed towards him when he tried to reach out to me. Crouching down next to him, I blew out the remainder of the drug and looked in his eyes.

His pupils, the size of a pin drop. His normally amazing hair, clumped in different section. His perfect lips, pulled in a tight frown.

I began to sob harder, as all he could do was stare at me. He almost seemed lifeless, brain dead, immune to the world.

I looked at his face again, and drew my arms out. He looked confused, until I wrapped my arms around him, and pulled him into a tight hug.

His body felt tense at first, but I whispered into his ear that it would be alright, and he immediately melted into my embrace. I felt his head slowly droop down to my shoulder, as he body began to shake with sobs.

Finally gaining some of his muscle control back, he flung his arms around me, like it was the only thing keeping him from drifting to the deep end.

We cried together, until I had no more tears left, and his breathing became more steady. A few whimpers still came from his lips and it made me realize that he had fallen asleep.

I gently got up and freed myself from his grip, laying his on the floor gently. I cleaned up any evidence from the weed, and coated the air with Febreze, just in time when Carlos came in.

"Oh my god, Katie!… I had no idea you were still in here. I… I'm sorry, um…" Carlos mumbling like an idiot only made me blush more.

He came into the room, straight from the shower, wearing only a towel wrapped around his waist.

I didn't have a thing for Carlos, but if I said that I wasn't turned on by his perfectly sculpted muscles, and rock hard, tan, abs, I would be lying.

"It's… it's fine. I was just…leaving!" I quickly mumbled feeling the heat rise in my cheeks.

"Wait. Why is James on the floor?" Although he sounded like he wanted to laugh, I could tell he was concerned.

_Shit._

"Um, well when I came in here, he was lying down and… he said he had a bad headache. Uh, and then I asked him if he was okay, and he said yeah, and when he tried to get up to walk out of the room, he um, stumbled! And I tried to catch him, and he just sat on the floor…"

_Think Katie. Think!_

"Oh yeah! And then he started to doze off, saying that he didn't feel good, so I grabbed the blanket off of his bed and put it on him!" I said the last part fast, slurring my words on the way.

Carlos gave me a strange looked, but shrugged afterwards. _Yes! I'm in the clear!_

"Anyways, I don't think he should be going to rehearsal with you guys today… I know Gustavo's gonna get all mad, but he should sleep what he… I mean, he should sleep this feeling off!" I flashed my signature smile at him, getting a hint of a smile out of him.

"Oh god, Gustavo's going to shit himself… The tour is only two weeks away… But your right, James needs to rest. He's been acting different lately. I can't figure out what it is though." Carlos walked over to me and fluffed my hair with his hand.

"Ah! Carlos!" He began to walk away, still only in the towel. Wait! Why was I thinking about Carlos like that? … Stupid teen hormones!

He started to search the room for a shirt, bending down here and there…Really! Again I'm thinking like that.

I looked at him awkwardly and he walked back to my direction. I gazed at his abdominal muscles as he walked. Each step he took they tightened then released. He stopped right next to me, and draped his arm over my shoulder.

I found it so funny, how he's so short compared to me.

He looked up at my face, when I quickly turned away to hide the rosy color forming on my cheeks.

"Katie, are you… blushing?" Why did he sound amused?

"What! No… ew…" And why did I have to sound so awkward?

"Aw, it's okay Katie!" He let his arm fall, and he stood in front of me.

Next thing I knew, Carlos is formed in some type of Abercrombie pose.

"I know I'm sexy! James is just pretty! I got it all, Katie!" I stared at him like he had two heads, but hey, that's Carlos for ya'.

"Um… yeah about that… Anyways! Should I go tell the other guys that James won't be coming?" I was desperate to change the subject.

"Actually Kendall and Logan left, to go grab some smoothies before they headed to the studio. It's a good thing your mom went back to Minnesota for the week. She would freak if she knew one of us weren't feeling well, with the tour coming up."

"Oh. Well I'll be home all day, so I'll stay with James. I should leave so you could uh, get dressed." He glanced down and saw that he was still only wearing a towel, practically naked before his best friends sister.

I saw the look on his face and chuckled before I walked out, shutting the door gently behind me.

XxX

I heard Carlos leave a few hours ago, saying bye before he left. I didn't call anything back. I was too busy thinking about what happened in the past few hours.

Was James really doing drugs? But why? He's never shown any signs of leading to that path. James never seems unhappy. He loves his life here in L.A. We all do. Why would he be so upset?

I averted my gaze to the kitchen when I saw a figure walk by. James finally emerged from his room, and stood at the sink, leaning on the ledge.

He looked a little better at least. I got up from the couch and walked his way stopping behind him.

"James." He jumped at the sound of my voice, and quickly turned around to face me.

"How are you feeling? Are you still.. High?" I asked.

"I don't know, Katie. My head is pounding. Everything is so loud. I mean I guess I'm not as bad as before…" He sounded so sad.

I sighed. What is bothering him? It's killing me not to know. "You know we need to talk about it, right?"

"Yeah… Can we talk about it now?"

"Maybe you should eat something first. I mean, it might help your hea-"

"No. I want to talk about it now!… Sorry. Just, please?" He asked me in that sad tone again.

"Alright, come on." I took hold of his wrist and brought him over to the couch. I sat down first motioning for him to sit next to me. Once he sat, I started my interrogation.

"What's going on James? Why were you smoking?"

"I… I don't know. I just did. I thought it would help…"

"Help what? What's wrong!" I pleaded.

"The problem is Kendall!" He shouted. I flinched at his tone, backing up just a bit.

"Kendall? What did he do?" Now I was really confused. What did my brother have to do with this? Did he sell the weed to James? Did he smoke it with him?

"You too, Katie!"

"Wait, what? James what are you talking about? I didn't do anything!"

"It's not what you did! It's what you do to me… You drive me crazy Katie." He paused trying to think of what to say next.

What did he mean by crazy?

"I don't understan-"

"Let me finish." He cut me off.

"Okay, sorry." I whispered.

"Katie, I… I… You mean everything to me. Do you know that?… What I'm trying to say is that I love you, Katie." He let out a sigh, like a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders.

"What?" I squeaked out. He placed a hand over mine, leaning in closer.

"Yes… I love you so much. But Kendall…Always in the way!… He'd kill me if he found out I loved you. You're his little sister. I understand that, but I want to be with you so bad. He just won't let me. And I, … I didn't know what to do."

This was news to me. I couldn't believe that _James_ loved _me_. How long has he been feeling this way?

I mean, James, he was a great looking guy. Any girl would be lucky to have him. He's so special. He knows how to treat a girl. But I don't deserve him. James is too good a person for me to let something happen between us. I couldn't hurt James like that.

"But why did you do drugs, James?" I still needed to know the answer to that.

"Because the more I did drugs, the happier I felt. I didn't care if I loved you. I didn't care that it would be complicated. I didn't care what anyone thought… Katie I need you to understand how strong my love is for you."

Where was all this coming from? Is it possible that he still could be that high? He didn't sound it, or look that bad…

"James, I understand. Don't get me wrong, you're a beautiful man. But it's too risky. You said it yourself! Kendall, would hate you. He would hate me, his own sister. We can't put a long term friendship in jeopardy…"

"Katie… please. I need you to be with me. Tell me." He pleaded.

"Tell you what?"

"Tell me that you love me." He fidgeted, placing his other hand on my thigh.

"James, I…"

I turned my head, looking away from him. Heat began to rise in my cheeks for the third time today. I desperately tried to hide it with my hair.

James caught sight of my blushing, and let go of my hand, and lifted my chin up. My hair fell back into it's normal place, leaving me staring into his gorgeous hazel eyes.

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. I opened my mouth to tell him that it wouldn't be right, when he leaned in and captured my lips on his. He was gentle, being careful not to go too far.

I found myself going along with it. It suddenly felt right to have James' lips on mine. He began rubbing my thigh, which caused a slight whimper from my lips. I slowly parted them, and James wasted no time before he dove into my mouth with his tongue, deepening the kiss.

I lifted my hands to his shirt, and took fist full amounts of the thin cotton into my hand and pulled him impossibly closer. He sensed I wanted to go further, but he still was going slow.

James gently pushed my on my back, straddling my hips, as he continued to kiss me. His tongue explored my mouth, and my hands unbuttoned his shirt.

Sliding the shirt off without breaking the kiss, I opened my eyes to see the beauty before me. His smooth tan skin, rippled with muscle, shone in the sunlight coming from the window. He looked so perfect. All of today's events flew out of my mind.

He was perfect. And so was this moment.

XxX

**A/N: So there ends chapter 2! I had so much fun writing this chapter. And now I guess you see how this is inching its way to the rated M mark! And the end, yes I know… James. Maslow. Shirtless. SEXXAY! Oh and the part with Carlos in just a towel… well interpret that any way you like xD CAUSE HE SEXAY TOO! **

**Anyways, review? **


	3. Chapter 3: Gone

**A/N: All I have to say is… Brace yourself… **

**XxX**

**Chapter 3: Gone**

**JAMES POV**

Katie.

She was so beautiful. Her golden red hair fell softly on the arm of the couch. On top of her, I felt like I had accomplished my goal. I was _making out _with Katie. It was like a dream come true.

She started to unbutton my shirt, and from there I knew she wanted more. But how much could I give her before she pushed me away?

I decided to just stay with kissing her for now. I felt her hands start to travel up to my chest making their way to my face. She cupped my jawbone in her hands and pulled my face closer to hers.

I let my hands travel down her arms, pressing them into her waist. The heat grew stronger as the minutes flew. She started to play with my hair, but I quickly backed away. She looked at me strangely when I broke our kiss.

"Katie… my hair is all messed up now!" I knew my hair looked terrible the whole day, but I wanted it to be perfect for Katie. She didn't need to see me at my worst.

I was about to get up, to go to the bathroom and fix my hair, when she grabbed me by the pocket of my jeans, and pulled me back on top of her. Her hands stroked the side of my face. It felt weird all of a sudden. My body started to tingle, and I knew what was about to happen.

Once again I got up and picked my shirt up off of the floor, and made a mad dash for the bathroom. I began to fix my hair with my lucky comb, winking at the mirror every once in a while.

"There ya' go James. We look good!" I continued to smooth my hair down with my fingers.

I walked out of the bathroom and saw Katie still sitting on the couch. I headed towards her and sat down next to her. She gazed in my direction and quickly turned away.

I couldn't help but keep looking at her. She was perfect. We were perfect. Why couldn't anyone else accept that?

**XxX**

**KATIE POV**

All I knew was that we were sitting there for hours nestled together. We mindlessly watched whatever was playing on tv. I started to feel restless.

I saw James look at the door like he heard something. I looked over too, just when Carlos pulled his key out of the door, walking in with Logan and Kendall in tow.

"Hey guys!" Logan greeted. He looked at the two of us, taking in how close we were.

Kendall walked over in our direction and placed a kiss on my forehead. "Hey Kates."

He walked over to James next and gave him pat on the back. "How you feeling? You look better."

"Hi Carlos!" I shouted at him. He seemed distracted. Before I knew it he was running off holding his crotch. What was that all about?

"Hi Kat- Gotta pee! Gotta pee! Woo! Gotta pee!" Carlos called as he ran. Logan gave a strange look in his direction but quickly shook it off.

"So what happened this morning? Carlos said you fell asleep on the floor." He walked over to the couch and sat down next to Kendall.

"Yeah, I felt… lightheaded" You could always tell when James was lying. Aside from being a really good actor, he always cracked under pressure. Logan gave him a suspicious look.

"Are you sure? You still look a little pale."

"Yep, I'm fine. Probably just a cold." He turned his head over to me a gave a quick wink. He looked back at Logan and Kendall, and smiled broadly hoping to ease the tension.

"Okay well, I gotta go! I'll see you guys in the morning!" Kendall said as he got up.

"But dude, we just got back." Carlos whined as he returned back to the room. "Oh hey James!" He walked over to James and gave him a quick brotherly hug.

"Where are you going anyways?" I asked.

"Oh I didn't say it already? Well I have a date with Jo. I'll be back late, don't stay up for me. Get to sleep."

"Kendall, it's like ten o' clock. Where would you be going on a date at ten?" Logan questioned.

"Movies." He answered quickly as he grabbed a few things out of the apartment.

"Nice." James finally said. "I guess we'll see you later then?" I couldn't help but catch the evil glint in his eye, and suspicious crook in his smile.

"Yeah! Bye guys!" Kendall trailed off as he closed the door behind him.

"Oh, um, by the way…" Carlos started. "Don't go in the bathroom… At least for a while." He gave a small smile.

"But, I thought you just had to pee. The whole ride home you complaining how you had to pee, and now you tell us you actually had to take a shit… Nasty!" Logan joked. Everyone loved his dry sense of humor.

The whole time James hadn't said a word. He was fine just a few moments ago. As soon as Kendall sat next to him he stayed quiet. I glanced his way, and his face still looked devious. He was up to something.

"Well, I'm going to bed, see you guys tomorrow." Logan said.

"Aw, Logie, it's so early!" Carlos must love whining.

"I'm tired, Carlos. You should get to bed too. You know you have a hard time getting up early, so it would be best if you went to sleep now so that tomorrow morning we don-"

"Okay! Geez, Logan. I'll go to bed!" Carlos got up and started to walk to his and James' room, as Logan walked the opposite direction to his.

"Night guys!" I shouted. Logan and Carlos both said good night back. James and I were finally alone again.

I wanted to know what was going on with him. I turned my head and looked at his perfect face, and opened my mouth to say something, when he leaned in.

I found myself lean in too, until our lips met again for the second time. We were seated in an awkward position, causing both of us to crane our necks a little too much.

James turned his body, making it easier, and enjoyable. We remained, lips locked, for minutes. At the same time we broke away, catching our breath. I saw him start to lean in again, when I put one of my hands on his chest to push him away. He didn't look to happy about this.

"James, no."

"What? What's wrong Katie?"

"We can't. It's wrong. You saw the way Logan looked at us when they walked in. If he was thinking something was up… imagine what Kendall was thinking." I explained.

"So, this is about Kendall? And what Kendall thinks? Why does it matter what he thinks Katie!" His voice grew louder, but he quickly lowered it, remembering that Logan or Carlos could still be awake.

"No, James that's not what I meant!"

"No, Katie. It's exactly what you meant! You care more about Kendall's feelings! Fine! Do whatever you want. I thought you loved me! If you don't then why did you kiss me back? What? Were you just toying with me? Seeing if I would remember? Checking to see if I was still… high" He whispered the last word, making sure no one would hear.

"James, listen! We kissed twice. You told me you loved me once! How do you expect me to love you back the same, right away? And yes, I respect Kendall's opinion. He's my brother, James. And I know he's your best friend, but you have to trust me on this one. I don't want anything to happen between you and Kendall. I would never forgive myself for that." I felt tears start to form in my eyes. I held them back, afraid to let them fall.

"Oh. I get it… You don't love me. Okay, fine. Whatever. I don't care." He sounded rejected. I didn't mean to reject him in that way. Everything was just happening… to soon.

"You should probably be heading to bed anyways. Bye Katie."

"James, please. Can we talk about this?" I didn't want to leave him. I wanted to know why he was getting so upset all of a sudden. I wanted to know why our conversations always led back to Kendall.

"Bye!" He said, a little louder than needed. I knew I shouldn't protest, so instead I got up calmly and walked to my room, shutting the door with little force.

**XxX**

**JAMES POV**

I watched her leave the living room. I wanted Katie. She needed to be mine. And she would soon know how bad I wanted her. It was going to end tonight.

I sat in silence, thinking about today. So many things had happened. I tried to list them in my head.

I came home late.

I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up hung over.

I smoked weed.

Katie found me smoking.

I fell asleep in her arms, then on the floor.

I told her that I loved her.

We made out.

We made out again.

We got into an fight.

Great day wasn't it? Why did Kendall have to matter so much to her? I know that he's her brother, and he's my best friend. But, this is Katie's life. Not his. He can't control who she wants to be with or not. It's her decision.

And it better be me she picks.

I looked over to the door, when I heard noises from behind it. Kendall mumbled some curses when the key wouldn't fit, but eventually the door opened.

"Hey buddy!" I happily greeted.

"Oh my god!" He jumped and turned around. "Shit, don't scare me like that." I flashed him an evil smile, although he couldn't see it through the very dim light in the room.

"Sorry… So how was your date with Jo?"

Kendall walked towards the couch and fell down next to me. He leaned his head back on the top and let out a huge sigh.

"That bad?" I asked.

"No, just so tired. But it was great! She's such a sweetheart."

"Um, Kendall… Can we talk?" I hesitated for his answer.

"Sure, what's up?" He sounded eager to finally have time to sit down with one of his 'best buds' and talk about anything. We haven't really had time for that lately.

"I think… I think I'm in love." I had to start off vague of this conversation wouldn't end well. Actually… it wouldn't end well either way.

"Woah! James! Did you just use the L word?" He was a little shocked. Over all the years we've known each other, I've never been so committed to a girl that I said I was in love with her.

"Heh, yeah… But it's just that the girl it is… It's complicated. You know?"

"Well, who is she!"

"…" I was at a loss for words.

"James…? Who?" Kendall started to sound concerned when he saw tears start to come in my eyes. Why was I beginning to get so weak? No! I can't. I have to have courage for … later.

"It's Katie." I saw his jaw drop.

"What? What! Your in love with my little sister? How could you? What are you thinking? No, no, James. You can't. Does she know? Does she know that you love her?" I nodded my head.

"Kendall, look… I'm sorry, and I know you feel the need to protect her, but I love her so much. You know I would never hurt her! I couldn't do that to her. She means too much to me…"

"I don't even know what to say right now." He trailed off.

"Kendall I'm sorry!" I lied. "I just can't help myself!"

Kendall took one more look at me in disgust before he slapped me across the face. He pulled his hand away, and covered his mouth. I heard him mutter an 'I'm sorry', but all I could focus on was the tingling sensation in my cheek.

"Can you come with me into the hall, Kendall?" I asked nicely.

"Hall…? Why?"

"Please?" I pleaded.

"Okay…" He didn't sound to sure, but he got up anyways, and followed me to the hallway. I closed the door to our apartment behind me, being careful not to lock myself out.

"So, I forgot to tell you that I got something for you!" I started off.

"Something for me?"

"Yeah I put it in the supply closet… You know, so Carlos wouldn't find it, or Logan would get suspicious. Come inside the closet."

**KENDALL POV**

Supply closet? Why would he store it in there? There's plenty of other places where he could have hid it in the apartment without Carlos or Logan finding anything.

"Um, okay." I managed to choke out.

"Just come in…" He opened the door, and motioned me forward. I walked in, and he followed, locking the door behind him.

"James…why'd you lock the door?" I gulped hard when he turned around quickly to face me.

"Shut up!"

"What? James, what's going on?" I was beginning to get scared. What was wrong with James?

"I said shut the fuck up! Get against the fucking wall!" I did whatever he said, not to piss him off any further. I also decided that if I kept my mouth shut, it would turn out for the better.

"Kendall. Oh, Kendall. Such a little… bitch!" He shouted as he punched me in the jaw. My face began to throb in pain.

"I'm guessing you want to know why I'm doing this to you… Well you see, I really do love Katie…" _Katie? This was about Katie? _"But you, once again, being a stupid little bitch, won't let me be with the love of my life. I want _your_ baby sister so fucking bad. I would do _anything_ to be with her… and I am!"

James was staring me down. My jaw still throbbed, and tears fell from my eyes. He had no type of mercy right now. All he wanted was my sister. But I knew for a fact that he wasn't going to get her. At least not why I'm here.

"So tell me, Kendall. Are you going to let me be with Katie? Or are you going to let me suffer without her in my life?"

I didn't answer him, but instead I just looked in his eyes.

"I asked you a fucking question!" He kicked me in my shin. A whimper escaped from my mouth and I shouted no.

There was no way in hell James was getting away with anything. He shouldn't even dare to lay a finger on my baby sister. She's too young.

"What did you say bitch?" James sounded fearful, but at the same time his voice had power.

"No!" Where was my courage coming from?

"No? Really? Are you sure you don't want to change that?" He smiled at me deviously and reached into his back pocket.

His hand came into view from behind his back, and in his hand he held a carving knife. I turned my head, but James slapped my face back into the other direction, so that I was now facing him. Even through the haze of tears, I could see his face.

I saw his hand raise and he placed the knife up against my throat. I winced in pain, as he dug the blade into my neck, making some blood come out.

"Now, tell me that your fine with _Katie's _decision."

"No!" I shouted again.

"Alright then…" He started to drag the knife down my neck and over my chest. Slowly torturing me, he brought his hands up to my face, rubbing on my cheeks. _So James was gay now?_

Everything was moving so fast I couldn't keep track. First he's dragging the knife down my body, and now he's playing around with my face and my hair… What was he going to do?

"Kendall, if you really do feel that way then I advise you not to scream." He said with a smile.

"Wha- Ahhh!" I couldn't help but scream.

I felt a sharp pain in my side. James had stabbed me. The knife was jabbed all the way through and I could feel it twisting around inside of me.

"I told you not to fucking scream!" He shouted. "Now your gonna pay!"

"Ahh! Ow, James, please…" He kept twisting the knife in my side. Blood poured from my body. I began to feel lightheaded, and I knew, from years of listening to Logan that it was a result of blood loss.

Tears streamed down my face. I sobbed hard, despite the fact that he told me not to scream. How could I not?

My legs started to go numb, and my body felt heavy. I could hear James sadistically laughing from a short distance. Twisting, and twisting, the knife kept going deeper.

I felt my knees start to buckle, and I fell to the ground. I gritted my teeth, since the fall sent a shot of pain up my body.

"Now listen here, Kendall. I'm going to get up and leave, and come back. If you try anything stupid, I'll kill your mom, and your sister! Got it?"

All I could do was nod. I'm guessing that was enough for him because he walked out of the closet, leaving me to bleed to my death.

**JAMES POV**

I stormed off back into our apartment. Kendall pissed me off to no extent. I headed towards Katie's room and knocked on the door lightly. When she didn't answer I opened the door to see that she was sound asleep.

I walked into her room, and looked over at her. She looked so cute when she was sleeping.

I placed my hands on her shoulders, and gently shook her to wake up. It took a few tries, but she finally snapped out of her sleep.

"James, what? What do you want? It's so…early."

"You need to come with me."

"Why? What's going on?" She sounded so confused.

"Just get up Katie." I grabbed her wrist gently and pulled her out of bed. She walked slow at first, still getting the tired out of her.

We headed out of the apartment, and I shut the door gently again.

"James, where are we going?" I led her to the supply closet, directly next to our apartment.

I opened the door and walked in first, making sure to see that Kendall wasn't dead… just yet. I saw him lying on the floor, breaths sounding like sputters as he coughed up blood on to the floor. Katie followed into the room, and I let go of her hand.

Immediately her eyes filled with tears, and she choked on the sobs in her throat.

"Kendall…?" She looked at me with such a distraught expression.

"What the fuck did you do! James! Did you do this! What happened? Oh my god! Kendall! No. No, no, no, no, no! I can't believe this." She sounded so adorable when she was sad.

"Katie… I…I love…I love you Katie…" Kendall managed to say. Those were his last words to Katie, to anyone, before his head cocked to the side, and he let out his last breath.

_Yes! I have won! Kendall is dead! And no longer in my way! _

"Kendall? … Kendall!" Katie broke down. Her cries were loud, and painful.

"Katie, it's alright… I still love you." I said as I leaned down to kiss her forehead.

**XxX**

**A/N: I'M SORRYYY! I HAD TO! DON'T STAB ME! DON'T BE A JAMES! Lol. Didn't expect that ending did you? OH and did I tell you that I love cliff hangers? No? Well I do! So expect that in practically every chapter. **

**Review? xD**


	4. Chapter 4: Regret

**A/N: So I hope that wasn't too much drama and angst in the last chapter. Sorry I took a while to update, and if your lucky chapter 5 will be up today too! YAY! Oh and this chapter isn't going to be too long. I promise, it's more of a filler chapter, to take a small break from the drama I hope… OKAY ON WITH THE STORY! … wait! There might be some MINOR Cargan slash xD **

**XxX**

**Chapter 4: Regret**

**KATIE POV**

"Kendall! No…" I shouted. Maybe if I was loud enough he would hear me, and come back to life.

"It's okay baby, I love you, our love is okay now. We don't have to hide anymore." What was he talking about, 'anymore'? I just found out he loved me today.

"No! Stop! You killed my brother! What the fuck is wrong with you! How could you do that?" I spat.

"Katie, I'm so, so sorry. I love you… Doesn't that matter?"

"What? Doesn't it matter? What is wrong with you? I'm going to go tell Carlos and Logan!" I got up quickly and headed for the door.

Before I grabbed the doorknob he pulled me down to the floor.

"Ah! James!"

I stopped screaming as my face went stone cold.

He did this on purpose. He pulled me down, only so that I could be face to face with…Kendall.

I reached out to touch his face. It was cold, to cold. He was expressionless, except for his frown of pain. Nobody should suffer before they die.

Everyone deserves a peaceful death. Why did James have to break that one simple rule?

"Now you listen here baby, your not going to tell them anything! Your going to keep quiet and pretend like nothing happened! Got it?" He shouted in my face.

"Okay. I- I won't say anything. I swear." I was crying so hard. James had a firm hold on my hair, and was pushing my face towards Kendall's.

My body began to shiver from the coldness that Kendall's chest was emitting. I couldn't stop myself from thinking that his heart wasn't pounding in my ear. I couldn't stop myself from thinking that his chest was rock hard.

"Good!" James proclaimed. "So how about you and I go back in the apartment, and go to sleep. Tomorrow morning, well… we just wait and see." He added.

"Okay, come on. Let's go." My voice sounded so weak… so fearful. Kendall. He was never fearful. I cant even remember a time when he was scared of anything. Knights don't work that way. We're strong people. Kendall always used to tell me that.

And now I feel terrible. Speaking of my brother in past tense. He was just alive and well a few hours ago. What had driven James so close to the edge?

We walked back into the apartment before he went off to his room, hoping not to wake Carlos up. I whispered back a goodnight, when he told me that he loved me.

I decided not sleep in my own bed, since I didn't think I can handle being in there alone. Whenever I had nightmares, even at this age, Kendall…he always sang to me. His voice melted my troubles away, until I dozed off into an uneasy sleep.

But why didn't I seem as affected of my big brother dying? Was it because James did it? Or was is because I still love the man that killed my brother?

**XxX**

I don't know how much longer I had stayed up and thought about all the things I had seen that day. So much had happened, and I had no idea how to process it all.

I didn't want to open my eyes. It felt wrong to see another day, when Kendall couldn't even move, as he lay dead in the supply closet. The supply closet. Three feet from the apartment door.

I had to go see him. I couldn't let last night be the last time I ever saw him. It doesn't feel right.

As I began to drift off to sleep, I was completely awakened by Carlos and Logan's bickering. I swear they are really like little kids sometimes.

I slowly opened my eyes, and saw Carlos and Logan standing near the bathroom door. Both of them _only_ in boxers… I never realized how toned Logan was also…

No! No. I can't think of my other big brothers this way… But wait. Why were they both standing by the bathroom door, only wearing boxers… Wow.

"Hey, Logie? Where do you think Kendall is?" Carlos asked.

"I don't know. Maybe he went out early." Logan added like he didn't care.

"Maybe he stayed over at Jo's and did some stuff!"

"Some stuff?" He restated sarcastically.

"Yeah you know!" Carlos practically shouted.

"Um, no. Actually I don't."

"Oh my god, Logie! You know! The…_bang boom_…" He whispered.

"The bang bo-… Carlos?"

"Yep?"

"You mean sex? Like why didn't you just say sex? We all know Jo wants it! I mean, do you see the way she stares in his eyes? I bet they didn't even go see a movie! They probably went to go fuck in her apartment. And I know that sex at our age is wrong. Especially since Kendall is an ex man whore, he probably doesn't have any condoms on him. Oh and, it's obvious that Jo is still a virgin, considering the way that she walks with her legs close together. And Kendall? We all know he's not! Watch! I bet today when we see Jo, she's going to be sitting all funny. Cause you know, Kendall is just _that_ big…" Logan trailed off all in one breath.

"Wait… Logan, how do you know Kendall is… well big?" Carlos questioned.

I couldn't help but chuckle at what Logan had just gotten himself into.

Logan stared back at Carlos. _Shit! _He thought. It was only one night.

"Uh, Logie…?"

"What? Oh, um he told me… last time. Um at… Bleep blap bloop!"

"Mhm sure thing Logan!" Carlos joked.

With the awkwardness still in the room, James burst through the front door.

When did he even leave? And what was he doing?

"Hey James!" Carlos greeted.

"Hi." He said in a venomous tone. Carlos and Logan gave each other awkward looks before they went off into their own rooms to get dressed.

I wondered what was going on with James. Did he realize what he did was wrong?

**JAMES POV**

I slammed the door when I walked in. What have I done? To Mrs. Knight. To Katie. Carlos, Logan. What about Jo? She would be crushed.

"Hi." I heard Carlos say. I could care less what anyone had to say to me right now. I needed to come to my senses. But I loved Katie so much.

Why is my love for her so strong. I killed _my best friend_, my life long brother. He is gone. And never coming back.

What would anyone think if they found out I did it? Would they hate me forever?

"Hi." I replied, a little more mean than I would have liked too. I walked over to the kitchen and fell into a bar stool, and rested my face in my hands.

I heard Logan and Carlos walk back to their rooms, and I knew that I was alone with Katie. Could I even handle that right now? I was unstable, she was unstable… and it's all my fault.

My deep thought came to an end when I felt someone tap my shoulder. I kept my face in my hands, ashamed to look up.

"James?" Katie sounded worried. But why? She should hate me right now.

"What?" It was muffled as I spoke into my palms.

"Please look at me." She said as she took a seat next to me… in _Kendall's_ old bar stool.

I lifted my head and dropped my hands onto the countertop. She looked in my eyes with hate.

"James, I want to talk about what you did. Do you realize how much it hurts to even be alive right now? My brother is … dead." She whispered the last part not to alarm Carlos or Logan.

"Katie, I know. I don't know what happened. And I can never take back what I did! I _killed_ someone… He was my best friend. He was your big brother. I was just so mad. I told him that I loved you when he came home. He didn't want to accept it. I told him I would never do anything to hurt you. And now look what I've done! I can't believe it! I don't even know what to do, Katie. I'm so scared." I felt tears begin to sting in my eyes. That was how I really felt. I regretted every minute of last night. I'm not a murderer. I loved Kendall, he was the brother I never had. And now he's dead because I stabbed him.

"You know how bad I want to believe you. But I wish what you just said was enough. I don't know if I can ever trust you again." She said, tears trying to spill out of her own eyes.

"I'm sorry Katie. I really am. I just… I love you. And I understand if you don't love me. I mean, how could you? What I did was stupid! Go ahead and kill me if you want! I don't care anymore…"

"James don't say that. I don't want to kill you. You were a real bitch! And you still are! And if this is too harsh well I'm sorry! But I can't deal with it. He's never… coming back. Do you understand that?"

"I do… I do understand. Can I just ask you one thing?" I hesitated.

"What." She said harshly.

"Did you _ever_ love me? I mean, even though I told you yesterday… was there ever a spark." I moved closer to her. "Even when we kissed the first time?"

Truth is Katie felt a gigantic spark. She loved every minute of it. Everything about the moment had felt right to her, and she wished that it could've lasted forever. James wished the same.

"I…I did. There was a huge spark. But now… you cant expect me to love you. Friend, lover, … brother. You broke my heart, and many others. But yes, James. Is that what you want to hear? I've always had a thing for you. Happy?"

"No, I'm not happy. I've hurt you. I've hurt everyone… I've hurt Kendall…" Tears fell freely from my eyes now. I closed my eyes to try to make the pain go away. But nothing happened. Visions filled my head from last night.

I remembered Kendall coming home, happy after his date was over. Getting mad at me. Then screaming his last few breaths while I stabbed him to death. It was a painful sight. Blood was everywhere. I remembered dragging Katie to the floor, making her stare at hr dead brother. How did things get messed up so badly?

I heard Katie sigh, as she looked down, which snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Katie?" I broke the silence.

She sighed again before speaking up. "You killed my brother, and I still love you…" It was barely above a whisper, but I heard every word perfectly. The last part had me on cloud nine. She said she loved me. No matter the situation… she loved me, or still does.

She looked into my eyes when she saw tears fill in them. I couldn't help but cry at a moment like this. Giving the circumstances, everything was perfect for the time being.

I opened my arms and put them around her small frame, pulling her into a tight hug. To my surprise, she didn't try to break free. Instead she sobbed into my shoulder. I rested my chin on her forehead.

We sat there for a few more minutes, until she pulled away and looked at my face. It was hard seeing her like this. Eyes red and puffy, cheeks tear stained, brokenhearted… She looked into my eyes once more, before cupping my cheeks, pulling my head towards hers, and pressing a gentle kiss against my lips.

Why is she kissing me? She called me a bitch. She said she hated me! What was going on?

I felt myself continuing the gentle kiss, even though I knew it was wrong at a time like this. I let my hands travel to her sides, wrapping my arms around her waist. Her hands moved back towards my neck, as the kiss became more intense.

Before anything got too far, I pulled away, pretending to catch my breath. She looked at me with pleading eyes. Katie _wanted _to go further. What had gotten into her in the past few minutes?

I couldn't bring myself to go any further right now. At least not yet… She would have to wait for any of _that_ to happen.

I saw her begin to lean forward, but immediately stopped when Carlos and Logan both walked out of their bedrooms simultaneously. Each guy did a double take at the awkwardness that filled the room.

"Well… we're going to go catch a movie." Carlos said.

Wait… Carlos and Logan going to a movie… on a Sunday afternoon… together? What?

"Yeah, so we'll be back later." Logan added.

"Oh, okay. See you later." I said quietly.

"Uh, James… If you see Kendall…" My heart immediately sunk. "…Tell him the Camille wanted to double date tonight. Me, her, Kendall, Jo. We might go to Olive Garden." Logan flashed a grin.

"Sure thing, buddy. Have fun at the movies!"

"Bye James, Katie. See you later!" They both said as they walked out.

**XxX**

**CARLOS POV**

Something seemed to be wrong with James. I couldn't figure it out though. Oh well, I'm sure he's fine.

Logan and I walked out of apartment 2J, as we headed towards the lobby.

"Olive Garden?" I said sarcastically.

"Yeah, is there a problem? It's a nice restaurant." Logan defended.

"It's so… gay. Fun Burger is way better, just saying."

Logan laughed at my theories. As we passed the supply closet, I stopped in my tracks when I got a chill down my spine.

"What is it?" Logan asked.

"I don't know. Just got like a creepy chill up my spine… Ever get one of those?" I saw him shake his head.

"Hey, Logan?" I added.

"Yeah Carlitos?"

"What's that smell? It smells like dead people… Gross!" I said in disgust.

"Hmm, it's probably Buddha Bob… Come on, let's go."

**XxX**

**A/N: So that was way longer than I anticipated… And it had way more drama and angst than I wanted… But I actually like it! MY FAVORITE PART TO WRITE WAS THE CARGAN HALF SLASH! Hahaa! You know you liked it! **

**Chapter 5 should be up tomorrow… :p YAY! **

**OH YEAH… Review? **


	5. Chapter 5: Passionate

**A/N: HOLY SHIT! Did you guys watch Big Time Song Writers Saturday night? That was so hilarious! I was dying the entire time… so much gayness in that episode… I loved it. The whole Jogan and Kenlosness… it was amazing. I really hope they enjoy their jobs, making complete asses out of themselves for a living… ANYWAYS! I hope you guys are happy that it's a rainy and gloomy day in NEW YORK CITTAYYY! Lol, but the rain makes me depressed and helps me write, so this chapter is going to be… I don't know **_**maybe**_** rated like, NC-17... We'll see how it all shakes out in the end. **

**DISCLAMER: Um, yeah read the previous ones. XD**

**XxX**

**Chapter 5: Passionate**

**JAMES POV**

As soon as I heard the door shut with Carlos and Logan behind it, I immediately looked at Katie.

What had gotten into her? She told me it hurt to be alive. She said I was being a bitch. I killed her brother. Then she said she loved me.

I could handle all of this. But when she leaned in and kissed me, I had drawn a line. Yes, I still loved Katie. Now… it just seems so wrong after what I did to… after what I did to Kendall.

I was about to ask Katie why she had just kissed me, but she stopped me, the first chance she got.

She jumped off of _his _barstool, and pushed both her hands onto my chest.

"Katie, what… what are you doing?"

"James, I want you."

"Katie, no. You're…you are way too young." What happened? I wanted to be with Katie so bad, and now look at me… Kendall was right. I don't want this. I want him to be here, with us. Doing what we usually do on the days we have off. Not laying in a supply closet, dead, because I killed him…

Her hands rubbed around my chest, as she pushed me towards the countertop. I felt her body heat against mine, giving me a tingling sensation deep in my groin.

No! This can't happen. This is like torture. Everything about Katie reminds me of Kendall. Her smile, her laugh, the way she's the dominant one. She's a Knight through and through.

She started to climb her way onto my lap, pulling my hair, so that my face could meet with hers.

Katie was beginning to cross a line. This was way out of hand. But why wasn't I stopping her anymore? Were my feelings getting the best of me?

I felt her lips brush up against mine, and she wasted no time in kissing me deeply, asking for entrance into my mouth with her tongue. She poked the corners of my lips with her tongue begging for me to comply, which I finally did.

Her tongue dove straight into my mouth, as I did with her. The hotness and intensity of it all, made me want to go further even though I knew it was wrong. My hands grabbed her waist, so that I could pull her down closer to me. She arched her back to my touch, as I grinded my hips towards hers.

I let my hands travel up her shirt, gently slipping it off, as she tore off mine.

**KATIE POV**

What was happening to me? I was supposed to hate James. I was supposed to want him dead. But I felt so attracted to him right now.

Kissing him felt better than before. It felt more passionate. So intimate.

Both of us leaned against each other, shirtless, body heat coming together. His hands moved up and down my sides, touching me in all the right places.

"James…" I said as a moan. I'm guessing James liked me moaning his name, as he began to leave a trail of soft kisses down my neck to my collarbone.

I latched my arms around his waist, slowly slipping my thumbs into his jeans.

"Katie…wait." He whispered into my ear.

"What? James, please…don't stop." I frowned.

"No, I'm not. Just hold on a second." He gently pushed me off of him, causing me to sit in the barstool. He got up and walked over to the window, closed it, then the curtain, causing the room to dim.

I couldn't help but stare at his body as he walked back towards me. It was so sculpted, so perfect. He was the definition of perfect… except for what he did to… Kendall.

I gulped at the thought, but quickly snapped back in my trance of watching James. When he came all the way over to me, he grabbed my wrists with both hands and pulled me off the stool, leading me to my room. He opened the door, continuing to walk over to my bed, gesturing me to lay down.

I did as told, as I threw the countless pillows to the floor, giving us room for whatever was about to happen, since I only had a twin bed. I laid down flat on my back, looking up at James.

He came over to me, and straddled my hips, leaning down to place a gentle kiss to my lips. I went along with it before he pulled away.

I let out a whimper, because I missed having James on my lips. Looking down I worked my fingers to his jeans, and undid the button, slowly pulling down the zipper.

James got up, and stood near my bed. "Here, let me make this easier for you." He said, as he pulled down his jeans, revealing his long hairless legs, and grey briefs that hugged him ever so nicely.

He climbed back on top of me, pealing away my shorts, before throwing them to the side.

"James… please… I need you…" I whispered.

"Okay. Anything, Katie. Anything." He whispered back.

His arms wrapped around my waist when he leaned down to kiss me. As I lay there in only my bra, and underwear, with James in just briefs on top of me, was what I had always wanted. But the moment I'm getting it, just doesn't feel right.

Kendall wouldn't want this. He didn't believe in James and I being together. I _always_ listened to my big brother. He knew what he was talking about, and his advice always helped me. Immediately I regretted asking James to keep going. I didn't want this anymore.

James started to pull of his underwear, until he was completely exposed, and erect, on top of me. I couldn't help but stare at the beautiful sight before me.

I felt him start to latch his fingers in the band of my underwear, pulling them down to my ankles. I started to get nervous when I saw fear in James' eyes. He has done this before, right? I mean he's eighteen… He can't be a virgin.

I just hoped he would go easy on me… He knew this was my first time. James would never hurt me physically.

He pressed one more kiss to my lips, before taking hold of his erection, and sliding into me.

"James! Oh god…" I screamed. I liked it, yes. But at the same time it hurt so bad.

"Does it hurt? Should I stop?" He asked in a panicky tone.

"I… I don't know? Just, go I guess."

He looked at me and nodded, as he pulled out half way, and thrust forward easily. As long as he kept this pace, I think I can endure it.

I grabbed the sheets, to try and ease the pain that I was in. I felt James pick up speed, going a little harder, than I would have liked.

"Ow, James. Please. Don't. Stop… I don't…uhhh… I don't want this anymore!" I pleaded.

James looked at me, and picked up speed and pressure again.

"Ow! Please, James!" Tears started to form in my eyes.

"Katie, I'm doing this for you… You said that you wanted this. You said that you wanted me. Well here it… is!" He said as he rammed into me.

"James!" Why wouldn't he stop? I just wanted him to stop. I couldn't take it anymore.

Suddenly I felt drips of water form on my stomach. They came from above, so I let my eyes travel to the source. It was coming from James. James was _crying_. Out of all the years I've known James, I have never seen him cry once.

He started to slow down pushing into me, until he came to a complete stop, and collapsed next to me on the bed, face down.

I listened to the loud sobs that ripped through his body. Each tear that escaped, shook his frame smaller than the last.

"I'm sorry!" He screamed. "I'm so fucking sorry!… Kendall! Kendall, Kendall, Kendall!" He continued to cry.

"James, wha-?" I tried to say. But I was interrupted by James screaming again.

"I'm sorry Kendall! I never meant too! Please, please, please forgive me Kendall! I don't want you to go! I love you bro! Who's going to lead us now? … Kendall! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry…"

James pushed himself off of my bed, and gathered his clothes off the floor, getting dressed quickly.

"James, where are you going?" I asked.

He didn't answer me. He just kept continuing to get dressed, fixing his hair occasionally, before walking to the door of my room, and storming out.

I hustled off of the bed, pulling my underwear, and pants back on, slipping my shirt on last.

I ran out of my room into the main room of our apartment, watching James open the front door.

"James!" I shouted.

"Bye Katie." He said before he slammed the door shut.

I followed to the door, before reopening it. "James! Come back!" He just ignored me and kept walking. I was going to run after him, until my eyes caught sight of the supply closet door, and images from last night flooded into my mind, breaking me down with a myriad of tears. I walked back into the apartment, closing the door, and sinking to my knees, letting emotions take over.

**JAMES POV**

What have I done to Katie? How could I do that to Kendall? I just want to escape everything.

I walked down the hall of the second floor, ignoring Katie's calls, for me to come back. I couldn't see her right now… not after what I did to her.

My face and neck were soaked in tears. I didn't know where I was going, but anywhere but here was fine. I needed to get out of the Palm Woods, and I needed to get out fast.

I began to run down to the lobby, hoping to avoid anybody I knew, so that they wouldn't see me broken down.

I made it outside, quicker than I thought, without any trouble from people in the lobby. Sure, I got a few stares, but it was better than being trapped in our apartment feeling like I couldn't breathe.

The fresh air felt good, as it filled my lungs. Once I felt like I had enough air to continue, I began running again, letting my feet carry me wherever they wanted to go.

I don't know how long I was running, but it had to be long, since I couldn't see the Palm Woods anymore from behind me.

**XxX**

**A/N: Um, I don't even know what to say… Sorry? Lol, yeah I had to do that… Oh and yeah, if you're a James fan… Well your welcome for giving your some naked James up there ^^ Lol's. And I promise the next chapter will have more Cargan… I miss them in this chapter, lols… TOO MUCH JATIE.. CAN.. NOT.. COMPUTE! ^_^ Review? xD**


	6. Chapter 6: Return

**A/N: Let me just start of by saying that I'm really sorry for the lack of update, have a lot of things going on right now, school, acting, all that jazz. ANYWAYS… this is a filler chapter, gonna be slight Cargan slash again, cause I missed them in the last chapter *tear* Lol. I might *MIGHT* be updating everyday, or every other day, it depends on my mood xD **

**DISCLAIMER: Nathan Kress is hot… AND WE BEGIN! **

**XxX**

**Chapter 6: Return **

**KATIE POV**

Its been a few hours since James left. Where could he be? Why did he storm off like he did?

When did things get so bad?

After James had left, and I finished balling my eyes out on the floor, I got up and began to walk back to my room.

With each step I took, I winced in pain. It hurt to move, as I was a little sore after my encounter with James earlier today.

What was that? I had given into James. But when I wanted him to stop… he kept going. And he hurt me. Surely something was wrong with him when he started to cry, and then… and then he was gone.

And now I'm sitting here, in my late brothers huge joggers, in discomfort.

I heard a familiar voice that pulled me from my thoughts.

"James? Kendall? Katie? Anyone here!" Carlos called out.

"Hello?" Logan said. I didn't feel like answering them. My mind was distracted and frozen in time, thinking back to that night…

"In here…" I finally said, in such a small voice, I hardly recognized it as my own.

"Katie?" Carlos said, with a knock on my door.

**XxX**

**JAMES POV**

My lungs started to feel like they were on fire, since I've been running for God knows how long. I felt my legs start to shake from underneath me and I knew they were going to give out soon. So I gave into them and stopped running sending myself to the floor.

"Kendall!" I shouted. The tears that I've been holding back finally fell from my eyes.

"NO!… K-en…DALL!" My words were broken up by the sobs that tore through my body.

All eyes were on me, but I could really care less. I missed my best friend, and I wanted him to come back. And after what I had done to Katie… I could never forgive myself. But I just love her so much. I would do anything for her… and I did. Just not the most smartest thing to do.

"I'm so sorry Kendall! I didn't meant to! Please, please, please, please come back! No! I didn't mean to hurt her, I didn't mean to hurt you! I love you, and you need to come back to us! I miss you, Katie misses you! I'm sure Carlos won't handle it well! You have to be there for him… for us! Logan's going to fall hard too! Don't even forget about… about your mom! Kids are not supposed to die before their parents, Kendall! And it's all my fault! I'm sorry Kendall… I hope you can forgive me.

**XxX**

**LOGAN POV**

"Katie what's wrong?" I said.

No answer.

"Katie please open the door. What happened? Where's Kendall? Where's James?" Carlos pleaded.

We each gave each other a worried look when we heard footsteps approaching the door.

A piece of paper slipped through the door, written on in huge bold letters.

_**LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! - K**_

"Katie." I said calmly.

"I said leave me alone!" She shouted through the door.

I sighed. What has been going on? Why wasn't anyone else home? James was supposed to stay with Katie today, till we got home. And where has Kendall been? Was he still at Jo's? Did he come back to the apartment, and then leave again?

"Come on Carlos, let's just leave her alone."

"But she seems upset. Shouldn't we at least try and talk to her?"

"No. I think its best to let her be for now, till she wants to talk… Why don't we go watch TV or something." I negotiated.

Carlos nodded his head, and we started walking to the living room. Falling back on the couch, we each let out a huge sigh. Carlos fell to the side, and leaned his head on my lap.

"Hey, weren't you guys supposed to go to the Olive Garden later?" Carlos questioned.

"Yeah, but since I don't know where Kendall is, he won't know… I've tried texting him, but I don't know, maybe his phone is dead."

I heard him mutter an 'oh' before he shifted his head in my lap, and looked at the TV. I grabbed the remote and turned it on, and it immediately turned to a hockey game.

Both of us were pretty content with watching it, so we left it on, becoming absorbed in the game, for a good hour, when Carlos finally spoke up.

"…Logie?" He whispered.

"Yeah Carlitos?" I used his nickname also, and looked down at his face.

"I'm… I'm scared."

"What? Why? You have nothing to be scared about." I placed my hand on his head, and rubbed small circles through his hair.

"What if something happened to Kendall? He hasn't been home in a couple of days, Logan. I… I haven't seen Jo either."

"I'm sure everything is fine Carlitos. Don't worry about it."

"But what if something is wrong?" Tears started to form in his eyes, and roll down the sides of his face, onto my lap.

I didn't know what to say. All I could give him was an empty promise. Saying that everything would be okay. Even though I had no way of knowing if everything was fine. Everyone seemed different, except me and Carlos. I feel like we're missing out on something.

"Carlos listen to me…" I lowered my head closer to his. "Everything's going to be fine… I promise."

"You… you really think so Logie?" He sounded so sad. And it made him sort of… cute? Wait… I'm not gay… Awkward.

"I know so." I said, as I felt my face start to gravitate towards Carlos'. My breath hitched in my throat when I realized what just, almost… yeah anyways.

"How about we just go for a walk." I said.

"Yeah sounds good. Come on." Carlos said as he got up. He began to walk towards the door, and I followed shortly till we reached the hallway.

**KATIE POV**

I heard the door open, and slam shut, and I knew that Carlos and Logan had left.

I sat on my bed, taking in the quietness of the apartment. The air seemed still, and moved slow with the time.

Just when I thought I had the place to myself, I heard keys rummaging in the door.

"Boys, Katie, you home?"

_Mom _…

**XxX**

**A/N: YEP SO… like I said, that was a filler. You probably know that Logan and Carlos were about to kiss, but MAYBE in another chapter, somewhere. Yeah! So the end, obviously you know Mrs. Knight came back from her Vacation, and this is were a lot more drama comes in. xD**

**YAY FUN! Okay, to my lovely readers… Review?**


	7. Chapter 7: Lost and Found

**A/N: So like I really don't know what to say about this chapter. ITS GOING TO BE PRETTY EPIC! … I hope … O_O OH BY THE WAY… KATIE'S NOT IN THIS CHAPTER CAUSE SHE'S NOT HOME! **

**DISCLAIMER: Is it a good thing to belt out Stuck, while writing this ? Lol . I STILL own nothing -.-**

**XxX**

**Chapter 7: Lost and Found **

**THIRD PERSON POV**

James had come back home late last night when everyone was asleep. He had seen that Mrs. Knight had returned, her keys on the table giving her away.

It was fairly early in the morning, only a few rays of sun beaming through the blinds. For a Saturday, it was oddly quiet at the Palm Woods. Some people actually did go outside early. They either had a quick swim, or rehearsed their scripts.

Everything surrounding apartment 2J was still. The air, the sound. Everything. Katie kept to herself most of the day, and James was hiding behind his shadow.

He was scared to say anything. He felt as if whatever he said, it would screw things up even more.

Carlos being his natural happy self even knew something was going on. He usually wasn't too good at keeping his hyperactive personality at bay. But in the past few hours since he and Logan returned, it just felt… right.

Of course Mrs. Knight knew nothing. She had only arrived home less than 24 hours ago. Nobody knew what was coming to them. Nobody knew that their world would crumble right before their eyes.

"Hey sweetie." Mrs. Knight said, as she walked into the room. She placed a gentle kiss on James' forehead.

"Hey…" His voice sounded more nervous than intended.

Mrs. Knight gave him a concerned look. "What's wrong James? Come on spill."

Oh mothers.

"Nothing. Just tired I guess." James felt proud when his lie came out smoothly.

They let the silence linger in the room for a few minutes, but soon snapped their heads towards the door of Carlos and James' room. Rustling and banging could be heard behind the closed door and they wondered what Carlos was doing in there.

"Crap! Where the hell… is… ugh where is it!" Carlos practically shouted.

Mrs. Knight and James exchanged curious glances before averting their gaze back to the door. More muffles could be heard from Carlos. Sounds of draws opening and slamming shut also were emitted from the cracks.

"Geez why is he yelling now?" A grumpy Logan said as he strolled out into the kitchen.

"I don't know. It sounds like he's looking for something." James answered.

"Well he needs to lower his voice. I'm trying to get some rest before we head to the studio today. You _know_ how Gustavo gets whe-" Logan's sentence was cut off when Carlos pulled open the door.

"Shit!" He shouted.

"Carlos." Mrs. Knight said firmly. "I will not have foul language while I'm around. You may be eighteen, but you still live under my roof!"

"Sorry Mrs. Knight. Sorry for waking you up Logan, you still look tired." Carlos apologized.

"No really?" Logan answered sarcastically. "Well I'm already up, so I might as well stay up. Thanks a lot Carlos."

"Hey! I said I was sorry. But I can't find my helmet! And I have a breakfast date with the new girl!"

"Wait. _You _have a date? With Julie? Isn't she out of your league? And your not wearing your helmet on a date! You'll look like an idiot!" This was the first time that day that James had shown any kind of emotion.

"Yes! Is it that hard to believe that I have a date?" Logan and James laughed hard, just for the fact that Carlos is so oblivious. Even Mrs. Knight had to try and stifle her laughter. "And why can't I wear my helmet? I think it looks good on me!" He said with a smile.

"Don't you remember what Kendall and Jo taught you?" James' heart sunk to his stomach at Logan's words. "That whole speed dating thing? Yeah, I'm with James on this one. _Don't _wear your helmet."

"God! Fine! Fine! I won't wear the helmet! But I need to find it! I've had that since we've met… at Peewee Hockey!" Carlos began searching the main area of the apartment, lifting cushions, and tables, in hopes of finding his 'lucky' helmet.

"Speaking of Kendall, have you guys seen him? He hadn't called me when I was in Minnesota. And why is he not home?"

Logan just shrugged at Mrs. Knight. It was sort of disappointing to her, as Logan always had the answers. She looked at Carlos, but figured he was too busy to answer her.

Finally she looked at James. He looked so scared. _He _knew where Kendall was. But he needed to make a lie. And it had to be good.

"He came in late last night. Maybe like, ten minutes after I got home… But um, he left earlier this morning, before you came out of your room. He said he was going over to Jo's. For uh, breakfast. They were going to spend the day together… I told him to call you when he gets the chance. But he might be a little busy with Jo." Hoping Mrs. Knight and Logan bought his lie, he finished off with a smile.

"Hmm. That's not like him to not say anything. He didn't say anything to you Logan?" He shook his head. "What about you Carlos!" She shouted so he would heard her.

"No!" He shouted right back. The living room looked slightly messy, as Carlos tore everything apart to find his most prized possession.

"Wait. James, what do you mean _busy with Jo?_" Mrs. Knight asked, a hint of curiosity in her voice.

James had to think about that one. It kind of just slipped out. "Uh, heh, you know. Teenage stuff…" Mrs. Knight gave his a death glare. He wasn't too convincing. "Oh come on mama Knight. We're eighteen! It's bound to happen some day! And Jo is a sweet girl, I'm sure they're fine." He knew what he meant by his words. But he also knew that it was all a lie. He didn't even know where Jo was.

"Well… I guess your right." She finally said. "So, what do you guys want for breakfast?"

"Not that hungry." James said. Mrs. Knight heard Logan call out 'me neither'.

"Okay, well, I'm going out to go get some groceries for tonight. I'll be back soon. If you see Kendall tell him I said to call me immediately!" She walked over to each boy and placed another kiss to their foreheads.

"Please be careful. I'll be back soon."

"I promise I'll keep them under control." Logan assured with a laugh. Mrs. Knight nodded and opened the door, closing it right after.

"Oh my god! Where the hell is it? Can you guys please help me find it!"

"Sorry Carlos, I'm going to take a shower…" James said. He got up from the counter and walked towards the bathroom.

"Damn it! Logan? … please!" He whined, with his most puppy dogged face he could create.

"I'm uh, going to sit here, and uh, bleep blap bloop." Logan was such a timid person. It amazed people how he had such a crazy, spontaneous girlfriend like Camille.

"But I'm gonna be late for my date! It's already 9:45! I'm supposed to meet her at 10! You know that's not enough time, Logie! Please!"

"Ugh… Fine!" Logan finally gave in.

**XxX**

In the shower James began to process everything. Seeing Mrs. Knight made everything worse. He thought it was bad that… that Katie reminded him of Kendall. But the fact that Mrs. Knight was his mom…

The hot water was melting most of his pain away. Most. It relieved some of the stress building up inside of him. What was wrong with him? Was this actually happening to him? To everyone? It wasn't fair. Everyone's life is screwed… and it's all his fault.

Maybe he had to do something to fix it. If he just relieved his pain. His brain couldn't compute the guilt and sadness that crowded it.

"Ah, mmph…" James let out a strangles grunt. While bashing his conscience he hadn't even realized that he had grabbed the razor and brought it to his skin. A small drag could be seen, only a few inches from his wrist.

It wasn't enough for him. James needed more. He began to rip the blade apart. Blade by blade he peeled it apart, tearing the plastic to get closer to them. He was finally satisfied when in front of him lay five small blades. Most of them looked pretty dull, so he picked up the sharpest looking one, bringing it up to his forearm with a shaky hand.

Not really caring where he should go, he brought it next to the first cut he made and slid it across the skin in one quick motion.

James gritted his teeth, a hiss escaping his mouth. He didn't think it would hurt that much. But deep down inside he still wanted more. It felt so god. And it distracted him from the emotional pain.

Even though it had only been three days since he kill-… All he wanted was his friend back. But he knew that would never come true.

Cutting a few more slits across his arm, he watched as the warm red liquid leaked down his arm. He smiled at his work, but soon dropped the smile for a frown.

James hated himself for showing weakness.

James Diamond doesn't work like that.

Couldn't this be a nightmare? 'Cause it sure as hell wasn't a dream.

**XxX**

Carlos and Logan continued to search the apartment for Carlos' helmet. Given the time he knew he would have to cancel his date. While James was in the shower they moved over to Logan and Kendall's room. It wasn't in there either.

Logan went to the couch and sat down letting out a huge sigh. He was exhausted. How did Carlos have that much energy anyway? Oh yeah… ADHD.

"Logan! You can't sit now! We have to keep looking!" Carlos pleaded.

"Carlos, I'm tired. I'm sure you'll find it soon though. Just keep looking."

"Okay… I'm gonna go check the hall. Maybe I left it out there." Carlos trailed off as he walked out of the apartment, not even bothering to shut the door.

Logan could hear the water being shut off in the bathroom, and he knew that James was done. Of course he would probably see a shirtless James walk across the living room to his room, but Logan had to admit… he didn't really mind.

James hadn't even bothered to wrap his arm. The bleeding was slowing, but it still dripped every now and then. He figured Carlos left for his date, and Logan was in his room studying for an upcoming test.

But he was wrong. As he opened the door, he saw Logan sitting on the couch staring into space. Maybe he could sneak across without Logan, the future doctor, questioning him about the blood trickling down his arm.

James began to walk out slowly, hoping not to draw to much attention to himself. Logan looked in James direction when he came into view. At first he hadn't noticed anything. Just that James looked a little…off?

But then his face went white. "James?…" He asked shakily.

"Logan, don't. Just… just leave me alone okay?" Logan ignored James' words, and rose from the couch and walked towards James.

James backed away a little when Logan tried to grab his wrist. "James let me see it." He said calmly.

"No! It's just a wrist! There's nothing special about a-"

"Did you do this?" Logan asked in disbelief. "James, why would you do this?"

"It's nothing! I'm fine! Can I go get dressed?" James had felt slightly uncomfortable in a towel with Logan practically up against him.

"No. Tell me what's wrong James. I want to help you."

"You won't understand! Nothing is wrong! I said I was fine! Please Logan… leave me… alone." Tears started to form in James' eyes, and Logan couldn't help but notice this. He brought his hand up to James' face, and wiped some fallen tears away with his sleeve.

"James, you can tell me any-"

"AHHHHHHHHH!" They heard Carlos scream from the hallway. "NO!"

James stood in his place, and gulped loudly, as his face turned white. This couldn't be happening.

Logan ran out to the hallway, leaving James by himself. Once he reached outside he found Carlos by the supply closet door. He stood frozen in his tracks, his face a ghostly white. In fact it was too white for a Latino to _ever_ be.

"Carlos?" Logan panicked. He rushed over to Carlos when he fell to kiss knees. Loud sobs ripped through his body. It was so heartbreaking to see Carlos this distraught, it made Logan nauseous. He was afraid to look within the closet.

He knelt on the floor beside Carlos, gripping him tightly as Carlos cried into his chest.

"Kendall!" He shouted.

_Kendall? _Logan thought. Finally building up the strength and courage, Logan turned his head and looked into the closet. The sight before his made his heart skip a beat.

There lay Kendall, strewn out on the floor, knife jabbed in side, and a pained look on his face.

Logan couldn't help the tears that flowed down his cheeks. He turned his head into Carlos' shoulder, as Carlos had his head buried in his.

"Oh my god." That was all Logan could say. How could someone do that to Kendall?

James stood there, knowing what they had seen. He couldn't help the tears that also fell from his eyes, as he heard both of his friends in so much emotional pain.

He walked out into the hallway, and his jaw dropped at the awful sight before him. His friends were so broken, as they sat on the floor crying their eyes out.

They both lifted their heads up to look at James.

"James… look." Carlos pointed to Kendall, without looking in that direction. James forced himself to look, just for Carlos' sake. He hadn't realized how bad it actually was. Blood covered the carpeted floor, and engulfed Kendall's body like the ocean. The knife was shoved through his side in a grotesque angle, and his eyes were left open, his green orbs shouting in pain.

James had _made_ him suffer. And he felt like the biggest dick in the world.

"I don't understand, James!" Logan said. "Why! Why, why, why? He didn't deserve this! No!"

James sat down beside both of his friends, and wrapped his long arms around both, and pulled them into a tight hug. They each took a shoulder of James' to cry on, and he couldn't help but let the sobs violently shake his body either.

"I know guys… I know." He managed to say.

**XxX**

**A/N: OMG! I feel like such a horrible person :/ damn… I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to put that much drama… okay maybe I did. BUT…. Chapter 8 should be up soon, kind of… I hope. Lol. This is where the REAL DRAMA STARTS! Yeah I know, hard to believe right? Like there hasn't been enough already pshhttt. **

**Okay till next time… review? xD**


	8. Chapter 8: Leaving

**A/N: Guys! I'm really sorry for the long ass wait! I've been really busy lately, and I don't know how this chapter is going to turn out, but I hope it's good in the end!**

**AND OMG DID YOU SEE GREEN TIME RUSH? That shit was hilarious! "GO GREEN!"**

**Disclaimer: CRAZY. MOM. SPAZZ SCENE. XD**

**XxX**

**Chapter 8: Leaving For Good**

James couldn't handle hearing the loud screams that tore through Carlos' body. Each sob shook his smaller frame, as he cried into Logan's chest. He could see that Logan was trying to remain strong for Carlos, but the impact of the situation hit his heart with a pang. Immediately, as if on cue with James' thoughts, Logan began to cry. Their cries, and screams echoed through the halls of the second floor, yet know one came out to check on them.

It was then that James realized he was still kneeling on the floor next to his to best friends, only in a towel. Finding the courage to handle the embarrassment, he stayed there holding his friends in his arms.

It had only been about three or four days, how could things get so bad? James quickly sneaked a glance inside the closet once more. Although the blood had obviously stopped pouring from Kendall's body, it still looked like he was bleeding. He was surrounded in a pool of blood, his hair, and clothes matted down to his skin from being wet.

James thought back to the last time he had seen Kendall in critical condition. It had been before he or Kendall met Logan or Carlos. They were on their way back to Kendall's house for a sleepover. Mrs. Knight brought them to the park earlier that day, and decided they had had enough fun. While driving back home the inevitable happened.

"_Ooo! We can play Power Rangers again! And I can be red, and you could be blue! Cause that's how we always play! Right, Kendall?" James exclaimed._

"_Right! And we can fight off Spongebob, when he attacks the evil plankton of Bikini Bottom!" Kendall said._

_Both boys were excited to be having their first sleepover together at Kendall's house. They planned each event in their night out carefully as they were going back home from the park. All they could talk about was the fun they were going to have._

"_Boys," Mrs. Knight started off with a chuckle. "Why don't you save all your energy for later."_

"_But mom!" Kendall whined. "We're too excited to stay quiet!"_

"_Well then, let's play a game!" Mrs. Knight negotiated._

"_Ooo! A game!" Both boys shouted._

"_Okay, whoever stays quiet the longest gets an extra cookie later! How does that sound?" When she didn't get an answer from either boy, she turned her head and glanced to see that they had already started playing._

"_I'll take that as a yes!" She said, as she turned her head back forward. _

"_Mommy!" Kendall shouted._

"_What? What is it?" She asked her son._

"_Truck!" Kendall pointed in front of him._

"_What?" She started to say, but was soon cut off._

"_Truck!" Both boys shouted louder now._

_Mrs. Knight finally came back to her thoughts when she turned around and saw that she was driving on the wrong side of a one way street._

_James and Kendall gripped each other for safety, as Mrs. Knight jerked the car in a different direction. _

_Their childish screams of terror made Mrs. Knight more nervous, as her car went spiraling out of control. It finally came to a stop when she hit a tree with the side of her car. _

_Her airbag deployed, before she looked back to check on Kendall and James. _

"_Kendall!" James cried out. It took a minute for Mrs. Knight brain to click, but when she hit the tree, the car caved in on Kendall's side._

"_Oh my god! James, James!" She tried to snap him out of his trance of staring at his best friend. _

_Mrs. Knight unbuckled her seat belt and snaked her way through the crashed car. She gently pushed a sobbing James to the other side, while she tried to reach her son._

_Kendall's head was bleeding, and his right arm was shoved at a grotesque angle. Mrs. Knight thought it had to be broken. But when she saw that her son wasn't moving, she started to panic._

_The only thing that kept her sane, was the fact that his chest was moving up and down, with ragged breaths. _

"_Mama Knight?…" James asked timidly._

"_We need to get him to a hospital!"_

_**XxX**_

"_Mama Knight, how much longer do we have to wait to see Kendall?" A scared James asked._

"_Oh, sweetie… The doctors said he's not awake yet. We have to wait a little longer."_

_James lowered his head and started to cry. Kendall was his best friend in the world, and he didn't know what to do without him. They were only 5 years old. How could something this tragic happen to Kendall?_

"_Cassandra Knight?" _

_A doctor had been walking their way, and stopped in the waiting room._

"_That's me! Doctor, how's my son? Is he going to be okay?"_

"_You might want to follow me." He answered._

"_But, is he going to be alright?"_

"_Where are we going? Can we see Kendall!" James asked in hope._

"_Just grab my hand, sweetie. I think we're going to see him."_

_The doctor led them through the long white halls, till they finally stopped outside a room that read the letters ICU._

"_He's in Intensive Care?" Mrs. Knight asked with a shaky voice. James looked up, confused by the larger words, and saw Mrs. Knight's brim with tears._

"_M'am, your son suffered severe head trauma, and he has a broken arm. Right now he is in coma, so that his brain can reduce some of its swelling." The doctor had said._

"_Mama Knight, what's wrong with Kendall? Is he hurt bad?" James asked._

_She ignored his question, as the doctor gestured them into the room. He closed the door after they walked in._

"_Oh my! Kendall…" Mrs. Knight couldn't help but let the tears flow from her eyes. Kendall looked so helpless, and small in the huge bed, in the vast white room. _

"_Kendall?…"_

"_James. He-" Mrs. Knight started to say._

"_Why isn't he talking? Is he…dead?" James said with his eyes starting to fill with tears_

"_Oh, sweetie. No… he's just, sleeping. But don't wake him up. Why don't you just go over and try and talk to him?" _

_James walked towards Kendall's bed slowly and touched his hand._

"_Hi Kendall! We were supposed to have fun at night time! And now you're here…"_

_Mrs. Knight, too distraught to say anything, sat in the nearest chair to Kendall's bed. She eyed James as he climbed slowly onto the bed to lay next to Kendall. _

_The friendship was true, and Mrs. Knight could see that they really would be best friends forever. They kept each other going, and worked so well together. She had never seen anything so genuine before._

"_I promise, Kendall…" James started off saying. "I promise to take care of you till you get all better. And then we can go play Power Rangers again!" He leaned down and rested his chin on Kendall's head._

_Intending on keeping that promise, James fell asleep next to Kendall that day. _

James came back from his thoughts when he felt tears start to stream down his face.

"Boys?" Mrs. Knight walked down the hall, with her arms filled with grocery bags.

They didn't answer her. They completely forgot about how Mama Knight would handle it, especially Carlos and Logan. All their lives Kendall had been like their brother, and Mama Knight had been like a second mother, and she considered them as her sons too. They couldn't even imagine how she would feel when she looked in the closet.

"Boys! What's wrong?" She walked frantically over to them. The closer she got, the more she saw what they were doing. They were in a group hug, crying on the floor… But only one person was missing.

Her son.

James had said that he was with Jo, but something didn't seem right here.

"Mama Knight…the-the closet…" Carlos whimpered.

She took a glance into the closet, and dropped her bags to the floor, the contents spilling out.

"Wha-…Kendall? Kendall! Oh my god! Kendall!" Mrs. Knight shouted. She looked at her son in the closet, and the tears immediately fell from her eyes. Choking on the sobs in her throat, she let out a heart wrenching scream, that made the three boys cringe.

She ran back into the apartment, leaving the boys in the hallway. The three of them got up, and stood by the door, just watching Mrs. Knight go mentally insane before their eyes.

"Shit!" Mrs. Knight yelled, as she slid the microwave off of the counter, sending it crashing to the floor.

"Do you know who did this! Why?" she walked off to her room, and grabbed a suitcase, and began filling it with all her clothes.

"What are you doing?" Logan asked, worriedly.

She ignored him, and picked up her cell phone. "Katie? Katie! Where the hell are you? Call me when you get this! Get back to the apartment as soon as you can! And ask the…the guys what happened. I'm sorry sweetie. Goodbye."

"She's leaving?" Carlos whispered to Logan and James.

"I don't know." Logan and James.

Mrs. Knight came out of her room, and stopped in the living room, taking a last look around.

The boys rushed up to her, and grabbed her bags, and dropped them to the floor. There was no way they were going to let Mrs. Knight leave at a time like this. What were they supposed to do with Kendall? They didn't have the money for a funeral, even though the were all rich and famous. All that money went to their expenses, and to Griffin. They couldn't cremate him either. Were they supposed to just leave him in the closet till he disintegrated?

Carlos was quick to grab Mrs. Knight into a hug, which she tried to break free of. Logan placed his hand on her shoulder, which was enough to calm her down for a little while.

"Where are you going?" Logan asked.

"I'm not sure, but I can't stay here. I'm leaving. Tell Katie I said goodbye." She broke free of Carlos' embrace and grabbed her bag, and walked towards the door.

All James could do was stand and watch her walk through the door. What had he done?

"Mama Knight!" Logan and Carlos pleaded at the same time.

"DON'T…" She started off, and turned around that she could face the boys. "Don't call me that! You are NOT my sons…" She wagged her finger at them, and turned around once more, until she was fully out of the door, and walking down the hall.

It was no use trying to call after her, so they just let her go.

Carlos immediately broke down, and sunk to his knees. He let the sobs tear through his body, and his screams be heard. Logan turned to look up at James and was quick to wrap his arms around James' waist.

James was taken by surprise, but he immediately wrapped his arms back around his friend, as Logan cried into his chest.

They were left alone. No parental figure. No clue as to what to do.

And especially… no Kendall.

**XxX**

**A/N: Uhhh, hi? Um, you probably didn't expect Mrs. Knight to go crazy and leave… OH AND BTW, JAMES WAS STILL ONLY IN A TOWEL THE WHOLE TIME! Personally, my favorite parts was the end of the flashback, and then the end where Logan latches onto James…**

**I'M PRETTY SURE LOGAN IS BISEXUAL IN MY STORY! But that's okay, I have no problem xD **

**OKAY I'M PRETTY SURE I'M GONNA UPDATE REAL SOON… Review? :D **

**Oh and p.s… why do I always say pretty sure? :P Lol.**


	9. Chapter 9: One Last Shot

**A/N: I'm still really sorry that these chapters aren't coming out as quick as I would like. It makes me jealous when I read AMAZING 50 chapter stories that were completed in 2 months…and its taking me OVER 2 months xD ANYWAYS, um, I really hope this chapter turns out good, and it's worth the wait. :P **

**Disclaimer: Big Time Moms was… ADJDSLKFJ AWESOME! **

**XxX**

**Chapter 9: One Last Shot**

**KAITE POV**

I had felt my phone vibrating in my pocket, my mom's ringtone emitting into the air. But whatever. I don't feel like talking to her right now.

I've been out since early this morning, walking, thinking,… crying. And I don't want my mother to get worried if she hears the strain in my voice.

What had I done with James? I mean, obviously we had sex, but besides that. He _killed _my brother. Aren't I supposed to hate him? Want nothing to do with him?… Then why do I still love him? What he did was so wrong. They _were_ friends. How could James do something like that?

Maybe it's all my fault.

I mean he did say that when he told Kendall that he loves me, he flipped out. He didn't want us together. So James killed him. Just stabbed him and walked away like everything was peachy. Well its not!

But of course he says that he regrets it. Of course he does! Like I believe him. He's just mad at me! Everyone is mad at me! And when Carlos and Logan find out… What's going to happen? What about when my mom finds out? What will happen then? What are we going to do with Kendall?

Can't things be simpler?

I found myself back in front of the famous Palm Woods. The building in which lay my brother, dead and decaying. How will I ever live without my big brother? He was always there for me, telling me right from wrong, singing to me at night, and trying to comfort me when I was younger and I always hoped that our dad would come back.

Our dad left when I was three years old, and Kendall was five. It was shortly after the day that Kendall could have lost his life in the car accident with… with James, and mom. Dad went crazy. He couldn't stand seeing his little boy hurt, and helpless. That day, dad and I went shopping for mothers day, but when dad got the call from mom… he fell apart. It broke my heart, and till this day I will always remember the look of hurt on his face.

A few months later he just… left. Without any warning, or goodbye, he packed his things and left. Mom never understood why he did that. They were on good standings. I cried to Kendall every night that I wanted our father to come back, and tuck me in at night… but he never did.

That's when Kendall started to sing to me. His words let my troubles and tears just melt away.

I spoke to my dad occasionally throughout the years. He's called on birthdays, holidays, things like that. But he's only spoken to me. Not Kendall, or my mom. I still had his number too. I'm sure he hasn't changed it in the last six months.

I began to walk upstairs to our apartment, dreading to see my mother. I knew I would be in trouble because I didn't answer the phone, and nobody had any idea were I was.

The door was open, which was odd, but what I saw couldn't stop the immediate tears from falling.

The supply closet door was open, the kitchen appliances smashed on the floor, Carlos doubled over in emotional pain; screams and sobs releasing from his lungs… And Logan latched to James' waist.

They knew.

My mom knew.

Everyone knew.

But no one knew who did it.

Carlos caught sight of me walking into the apartment, dropping my jacket, and bag to the floor.

"Katie!" He shouted. He got up quick and ran over to me pulling me in a bone crushing hug.

I knew I had to act as if I knew nothing… just for Carlos and Logan's sake.

"What… what happened here?" I said, my own voice cracking.

Carlos continued to cry into my neck, as I looked around. Logan didn't even attempt to lift his from James' bare chest.

James gave me an understanding look, but I quickly looked back at Carlos, and stroked soft circles on his back.

"Carlos…what?" I said again.

"It's…it's Ke-" He choked on the sobs in his throat, not being able to finish his sentence.

I let my tears fall now. I knew I couldn't hold them back anymore. And what hurt even more was that I had no idea where my mom was.

All of a sudden I was ripped from my thoughts when I heard Logan scream.

"Kendall!… Fuck!" Logan shouted. More screams tore through his body. It was the hardest thing I ever had to see… beside my dead big brother. Logan _never _shows extreme amounts of emotion. His naturally sarcastic self is now gone. His arms let go of James and he gently slid to the floor.

"NO!" Logan screamed again. I gently let go of Carlos to go by Logan.

"Logie…Where is Kendall? What happened?" I asked trying to sound as oblivious as possible.

"He's…he's in the- the closet…He's gone!" He said quickly, not even looking me in the eye.

I got up from the floor and walked over to James. We exchanged glances, before I looked around at our somewhat trashed apartment.

"Wait…where's mom?" I asked.

"She's gone Katie…She packed up and left." James said, placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

"What! You mean she knows? I whispered the last part to James, knowing that it would be weird if I wasn't still crying, when Logan and Carlos were balling their eyes out together on the floor. Since I had walked over to James, Carlos and Logan went over to each other on the floor, and were crying together.

"You…you mean she's not coming back?" I asked again.

"Yes Katie. She just…left us." James said.

"…Watch Carlos and Logan. I'm uh, I'm gonna go shower, or whatever." Well that took me by surprise. How could my mom just leave like that? Didn't she think of me? First my dad… now my mom? She left. Without a word spoken. Not a sorry given. But why? Why did she leave? Obviously she saw Kendall, but what are we supposed to do with him now? It's not like we could just plan some sort of funeral without our parents consent.

But…what parents? Technically aren't I an orphan now?

Instead of going to the bathroom, I found myself in my moms room. I took a look around, the empty closet, the open drawers, the bed sheets strewn across the room. What had happened? How much had she freaked out? What had I missed on my walk? Everything was fine last night when my mom came home… everything except for the absence of my big brother.

I fell to the floor, and screamed. Not a terrified scream, but a slow, agonizing scream that erupted from the deepest depths of my body, gurgling out in a long drawn moan.

**JAMES POV**

"James…" Carlos whimpered.

"Yeah buddy… I'm here." I walked over to where Carlos and Logan were crouched down on the living room floor.

"What's going to happen, James?" Logan asked. "…I'm scared…"

"I don't know guys, I don't know… But what I do know is that we're going to stick together. We'll help each other get through this. I _know _we'll make it through this…I hope." I tried my best to reassure them, but what was I supposed to say? How would they even react when they found out that it's all my fault.

"But what about Mrs. Knight? We have no- no- no… guardian now." Carlos couldn't form sentences between his sobs. He still leaned into Logan's chest, letting whatever tears he had left cascade down his face.

"Look… I-" I stopped talking, and looked at Mrs. Knights' _old _room. A scream could be heard from behind the door. A deep, painful scream.

Katie.

I never knew how much this hurt her. She's tried to tell me, but I refuse to listen. I know it hurts her… but to this extent?

What have I done…?

I keep asking myself the same question over and over again. And yet I still can't seem to find the answer. I _killed someone_. Was it even necessary? What had even ran through my mind at the time?

Want.

Need.

Passion.

Anger.

The emotions just built up, and finally broke my innocent…well somewhat innocent soul.

"Was that Katie?" Logan asked in a worried tone. Classic Logan. Always worried for no reason. But of course now there finally _is _a reason…

I heard Carlos cry harder as soon as Logan mentioned Katie's name. It must have finally hit him that Katie's one and only big brother just died.

The three of us got up slowly and walked over to the bedroom door. It sounded like she had begun talking to someone. But who? Nobody else was in the room.

"_Kendall…he's…he's…dead!" _

"Who is she talking to?" Carlos questioned.

I shrugged.

"_Please you have to come!….No…She left…. Yes! She just packed up and left us to deal with all this crap!…No! I will not calm down! Don't you understand? You have to come back please… I need you. This is your one last shot to be in my life! I need you! Please…"_

We each gave each other a confused glance. It sounded like she was talking to someone on the phone. But who would she be telling?

"…_if not for me… then do it for Kendall…"_

Both Logan and Carlos let a cry escape their lips at the same moment. How much damage have I done?

"…_Oh my god! Thank you so much!… I- I-… I love you dad… bye."_

Mr. Knight's coming back…?

**XxX**

**A/N: Oh hai there! Yeah… Mr. knight shall make an appearance! He's actually gonna be like a main character after the next chapter! **

**OH AND OMFG, HAVE YOU HEARD Blow Your Speakers? It's a BTR song, and it was leaked, from their second album, BUT YO, that song it the shit. **

**Okay, a review would be EVER SO LOVELY :P **


	10. Chapter 10: Sorting It Out

**A/N: Hey, sorry it took so long to update. I just got my new laptop and I had to transfer everything to this one! BUT NOW I FINALLY HAVE THE NEW MICROSOFT OFFICE PROGRAM. Before I was using this, I had some crappy Word program -.- **

**Anyways, this is more of a filler chapter, just so I can get my thoughts together. But I'm not sure if I'll be updating like SUPER quick, cause I have a science test next week, and regents math, and science right before I graduate in a few weeks… SOOO, I hope this won't be a crap chapter xD**

**ENJOY!**

**XxX**

**Chapter 10: Sorting It Out **

Carlos gave a curious glance at James, as they continued to wait outside of Mrs. Knight's _old_ bedroom door.

"James?... What do you think is going to happen to us?" Carlos asked sheepishly.

"I don't know, buddy… I honestly don't know." He could feel the tears in his eyes start to escape its barrier, as he thought about how they were alone now.

They had no guardian. Kendall was dead. And Katie practically had no parents.

Wait. Her dad is coming back.

James thought of what he heard, and how it would even work out. Would Mr. Knight really be able to handle the death of his own son? He left when Kendall was in the hospital with a coma, and a broken arm. Why would he agree to come back now?

Was he doing it for Katie?

"Wait…" Logan started off saying. "…Did she say _I love you dad_?" Logan's face scrunched up in confusion, but quickly softened when he realized what she had meant.

"Mr. Knight's coming back!" He said in shock.

Carlos looked at Logan, since he had also just figured out what was going on.

"Yeah… I guess he is." James sighed.

"James, I don't know if this is going to work. I mean, remember when you guys were five?" Logan stole the words right out of James' mouth. He knew all of them had been thinking the same thing, and it was no surprise that super genius Logan, said it aloud.

A small cry escaped Carlos' lips. "I'm scared, James. What if the killer comes back, and tries to kill one of us?" Those words hit James' heart with a pang. He would never kill one of them…

But then again, he _did_ kill Kendall.

Logan walked behind James, to Carlos' side. He placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"It'll be okay, Carlitos… We have each other. Nothing else matters. We'll keep each other safe." He turned Carlos around, so that he could hug the younger boy.

"Are you sure?" Carlos asked. His words were muffled, since his face was shoved against Logan's chest, but both James and Logan could hear him perfectly.

"I promise." Logan finally said.

Breaking them from their moment was the sound of a door opening. Katie appeared from behind her mother's old room. Tears stained her face, eyes red and puffy, lips still quivering.

Although James was in so much emotional pain, that didn't stop him from _wanting_ Katie. The way her lips shook and trembled, did something to the pretty boy.

He hated himself for wanting her so much. He wanted to die. All he wanted was to be with Kendall again. But he would just have to wait till it was his time to go.

Carlos turned back around and faced Katie. "…Katie? Are…are you okay?"

"Yeah, I guess." She answered.

"Katie, your dad… Your dad's coming back?" Logan asked.

She sniffled a 'yeah' and walked back to her room with a pen and paper.

"Wait, Katie!" Carlos called behind her. She ignored him and kept walking.

"I hope she's alright…" Logan thought out loud.

"She'll be fine!" James snapped.

Logan and Carlos each gave James a confused look. Where did this shot of anger come from all of a sudden?

"Uh…James?" Carlos whispered into James' side. "Are you okay?"

James looked around the somewhat empty and still apartment, taking in the absence of Kendall, and Mrs. Knight. No one but themselves and Katie.

Because of him, Kendall is dead.

Because of him, Mrs. Knight left.

Because of him, Katie is being distant.

Because of _him_ his friendship is now in jeopardy.

"…James?" Carlos shook his hand in front of James' face to try and snap him out of his trance of thoughts.

James jerked off the thoughts from his mind, and turned back towards the shorter boy. "Huh? What?"

"Are you okay?" Carlos said slower this time.

"Yeah… yeah I'm fine. I just… I have to go." He ran a hand through his soft hair, and walked off towards the door.

"Wait, James where are you going?" Logan called out.

"Anywhere. I just need time to…think." He said as he shut the door behind him.

James made sure that when he walked out of the he didn't look into the closet. After what just happened, he couldn't even make himself think of Kendall's name. It hurt so much. The pain and the guilt were eating away at him, and it had only been not even a week since he killed…

Carlos clung to Logan's waist, and held on for dear life.

"What are we going to do Logan?" He sobbed into his best friend's chest.

"I don't have the answers Carlos." Carlos looked up at him, when Logan lifted his chin of his head.

"But I already said…" He continued. "We'll be here for each other. _No matter what_. You, me, James, Katie… We'll stick together. Nothing can hurt us."

Logan couldn't stop the slow trickle of tears that made their way down his face. He wasn't the usual one to cry if front of people, of show immense amounts of emotion, but this was an exception.

One, his best friend and "brother" of thirteen year was _dead_.

Two, this was Carlos he was dealing with at the moment. The younger boy always took things harder than the rest of them. Even when he gets a paper cut, he'll shed a small tear.

Three… Logan would be lying if he said he didn't find the scared and confused side of Carlos cute.

It hurts him to say it out loud, especially at a time like this, but Logan didn't even like Camille that much anymore. Sure they went out, but he just doesn't love her as much as he did in the beginning. He always thought they were _meant_ for each other. But there was something about Carlos that drew Logan in. However, his bi curious mind confuses him, to the point where he can't think straight. This is why he always tries so hard to excel in everything that he does.

But right now, Logan wasn't worried about himself, or Carlos, or Katie, Kendall, Mrs. Knight, Mr. Knight… It was _James_ he was worried about.

The past few days Logan knew something was wrong with him. James wasn't James. His hair was disheveled, his usually stylish apparel had resorted to lounge wear, and his face had taken the new look of tired and stressed.

"Thanks Logan." Carlos said, snapping him out of his thoughts.

"No problem, buddy… I love you bro'." Logan flashed his crooked grin at Carlos.

Without saying a word back, Carlos just held on tighter to Logan.

**XxX**

It had been almost two weeks.

No Kendall.

No Mrs. Knight.

And _very_ rare appearances by James. He was rarely home. But when he was, he was always in a boring, depressing, and angry mood.

Mr. Knight was scheduled to come back, later the next week. He had to explain to his new wife and daughter, that he had to go back to his real daughter. His "new" daughter in Texas was really just his stepdaughter. His new family didn't really take it well, but they understood why it was important that he leave, and most likely never come back.

He was doing this for his son. The son he left as the man of the house. The son he left to grow up without a male role model. The son he left to take care of his daughter and wife.

The anticipation of waiting for Mr. Knight to come back was driving everyone crazy. They couldn't tell what life would be like with him back in their lives. Carlos and Logan had only knew him for a short while before he left, but it was enough to show them that he was a good man. A family man. A guy who would _never _leave his family just like that… until he did.

James had gone out for the day again, like he does every day. Logan and Carlos were just relaxing on the couch watching tv; Katie in her room.

Breaking the silence, the phone rang the familiar ring.

"Ughh, Logan go get it!" Carlos whined.

"But you're closer!"

"Please!"

Logan gave him a look and a grunt, and rose from his seat at the couch. He ran quickly to the phone, trying to catch it before it went to voicemail.

"Hello?" Logan answered.

"Oh… So you'll be here in like five minutes?... But I thought you were supposed to get here next week… Oh, well I guess that's good… Okay, I'll go get Carlos and Katie… Alright, bye."

"Who was that?" Carlos questioned.

"…That was Mr. Knight. He'll be here in a few minutes…"

"Woah, what?"

"Yep… Katie!" Logan shouted towards Katie's room.

"What!" She shouted back through the door.

"Come out here! Now!"

A few seconds later her door opened with an annoyed looking girl behind it.

"What." She said blankly.

"Your dad is coming right now!" Carlos said quickly.

She stared back at him, and then ran towards the door. Waiting by it eagerly, she motioned for Carlos and Logan to come by her sides.

Both Logan and Carlos placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. They both knew that this was a rather exciting moment for Katie. But at the same time, it was the hardest thing she would ever have to face.

There was a quick knock on the door, and Katie wasted no time in reaching for the doorknob and swinging it open swiftly.

Tears immediately collected in both of their eyes.

"…Dad." She said slowly.

Mr. Knight dropped his bags to the floor, and caught his daughter in his arms.

"Oh my god… Katie. You- you got so big! Look at you!... You look just like your mom…. What have I missed?"

"Of course I got big dad! It's… it's been thirteen years… I love you daddy." She said through her tears.

Mr. Knight stood back up and looked at Logan and Carlos. They each gave him a warm smile, showing him that they're open to his guardianship.

"Wow. You boys got so tall, and grown up. I remember when you guys were just four feet tall…"

"It's good to see you again Mr. Knight." Logan said.

Mr. Knight looked around the apartment, taking in the brightly colored walls, and modern design.

"Where's James?" He asked.

"He's out!" Katie answered quickly.

Her father muttered an 'oh', and looked around once more. No one could miss the sight of Mr. Knight's eyes suddenly being clouded by tears.

"Where's… where's my son?"

**XxX**

**A/N: I don't know how I feel about this chapter. To me it's kind of… mehhh. Yeah so this time around I pretty much stated that Logan is bi. xD **

**Once again I am really sorry for the lack of update. I have so many tests coming up, senior trip, graduation… ALL THAT SHIT! **

**But I'm really hoping that I can update as soon as I can. I already started to write chapter 12. And it's going to be a really deep chapter, so I want to make it as awesome as possible. **

**So keep reading and reviewing my story! You guys are so awesome! **

**Let me know what you think! **

**REVIEW! :D **


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